A recent post on Ian’s Messy Desk reminded me of some important issues for those communicating in a professional context.  For those of you who are not familiar with the work of Deborah Tannen, she has done research and written a number of books exploring gender communication differences in both academic and professional settings.  Some of her more popular books include:  You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation and my favorite as a debate coach, The Argument Culture: Stopping America’s War of Words.  Ian’s post reminded me of the importance of not only being aware of how your communication is perceived, but being aware of our own perceptions and making sure to check them before reacting to situations.  Let’s look at the first important concept:

How Your Communication is Perceived

According to researchers like Tannen, women are much more likely than men to use language that calls into question their competency and confidence.  According to research, women are more likely to use “hesitancy” language.  This includes phrases like, “Do you think that…,” or “Maybe we should consider…,” or “I’m not sure, but…”  This type of language has its advantages.  You allow others an opportunity to disagree easily, making discussions more open.  But, this type of language has its disadvantages as well – you allow others an opportunity to disagree easily.  I know those both say the same thing.  The important difference between them is the perception of those around you when you use these statements.  If the group is supportive and made up of people who you can trust to take into consideration all that is being said and you are one amongst many decision-makers, then this is a perfectly acceptable approach.  But, if the group is in conflict and you are supposed to be the decision-maker or leader and some members are trying to undercut that authority, this can be an approach that guarantees failure. 

Consider both the context in and the task for which you are communicating and communicate accordingly.  If you are at brainstorming stages of a process, more open and receptive and less concrete language is productive.  If you are at the final stages of a project and someone is seeking approval, concrete, closed and specific language is more appropriate. 

My suggestion for you is to build awareness about the language you use.  Start paying attention to the way you communicate with others.  Do you ask questions when you actually wish to make statements?  Do you say, “I think,” before statements that you actually know?  Do you say, “Maybe we should…” instead of directing your team to a necessary task?  Do you then sit back and say, “no one ever listens to me” when the action doesn’t match your direction?  The rest of your group may be saying, “I wish she would just tell us what to do instead of making us stumble through…”  Remember, you can always make a statement and then say, “Is there anyone who has an alternative direction/task we should discuss before moving on this?”  This makes you seem open, while still completely competent in what you have suggested. 

How you perceive communication

As recipients of communication, we should be sure that we are perceiving the message as it is meant.  Although there is responsibility on the part of the communicator, we should not ignore our responsibility as recipients.  We can use tactics such as asking clarifying questions, for example, “Are you looking for input on this or have you decided this is the way we should go?”  This provides the communicator with a choice and the answer should provide you with some direction in how to proceed.  You can also pay close attention to the pattern of communication of those around you.  Watch how they interact with others, listen to how they say things in meetings and at social gatherings.  The more you get to know the person’s communication style, the more likely you are to correctly determine what they are trying to say to you when you interact with them.  Finally, do not be afraid to ask for what you need.  Do this constructively, but most managers/team leaders will appreciate someone saying, “I would feel more comfortable receiving more concrete direction from you since you are the expert in this area.” 

There is no one right way to communicate.  Different communication styles are appropriate in different contexts.  The most important thing for communicators to do in any context is to make sure that the message they are sending is the one that is being received.  On the flip side, the most important thing for recipients of communication is to be sure that the message they are receiving is the one intended by the communicator.  Although we all communicate day-in and day-out, we often forget that successful communication is not necessarily a natural ability, but something that has to be worked on and improved constantly.  If that weren’t the case, a lot of marriage and family counselors would be out of work!  Professional communication is no different.  It takes awareness and practice, but in the end, anyone who wants to can be a good communicator.